Eyes Wide Open

A Perspective From Within

Auld Lang Syne


I haven’t posted anything for a while and I wish that I could blame it on the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. I would be lying if I said that was the case. Honestly I’ve just been in a funk. Sorry in advance to all of those people who I have not called back. It’s not you. It’s me. I have to say however, that my Christmas Eve and Christmas day really were beautiful thanks to Ross. He brought me out of that funk. He spends an extraordinary amount of time making my life more comfortable and less burdensome while taking my mind off of this hellish nightmare. He’s always so positive with me and is the first to brighten up my dark days. I am too quick to forget that he’s going through this nightmare too. I don’t know how he does it. He’s amazing.

It’s hard not to reflect on what a shitty year this has been for the both of us. I’m waiting for a producer from the E network to suddenly walk in and say that this was just one big reality show and they are finished shooting. Oh, and by the way, you can walk now. One of the most difficult things that I have had to endure is to go from an extremely busy and rewarding life to one of physical struggle, monotony and boredom. This time of year is usually nonstop for me as it is for most. Putting together our annual Christmas Eve open house always occupied a lot of my time, so much that I would start the planning process at the end of October. We always had around 100 family and friends over to eat, drink and be merry. It was always such a wonderful night. I miss that time. I miss being busy. I miss the feeling of not having enough hours in the day to get things done. I desperately miss challenge in my life. Challenge in the gym. Challenge with creativity. Challenge in the kitchen. The list is endless. I want back those simple things in life, like jumping in shower, getting dressed standing up rather than by laying in bed and the choice to plop down on the couch after a long day. I loathe having to be taken care of. I am always at the mercy of someone to help with the simplest of things. When I am getting ready for my day, I disappear to another place in my head so as not to be aware of my own miserable existence, and the fact that someone is showering me and dressing me. I have lost my autonomy. On the days that I don’t have therapy, I die a slow death. Idle time for me is like Kryptonite. I quickly start to think about all of the things that I have lost due to my physical disability. I think about all of the things that I loved to do and that I want to do but am just not physically able to do anymore. Kickboxing, skiing, cooking…all gone. I want to be “me” again, not this f-ed up broken version that I have become. Everyone tells me how strong I am and if anyone can make it through this, I can. Please tell me…what really is strength because I’m struggling to find it. BTW, if I hear the line, “God only gives you what you can handle” one more time, I will scream. It’s easily the #1 most over utilized phrase when faced with a tragedy. I’m sorry, but that’s just BS. I also love “There’s always someone worse off than you”. Did you ever wonder who’s worse off than the worst? Poor bastard. Nevertheless, I hope and pray that 2013 will be a much improved year filled with happiness, breakthroughs and better health.
2012…don’t let the door hit you in the ass. Hasta la vista, biaaatch.

17 thoughts on “Auld Lang Syne

  1. Absolutely hate the “God only gives you. . .” I remember my Mom’s good friend both of her sons were killed by drunk drivers and at the second funeral some dumb ass actually said that to her. I remember her saying all she wanted to say was “We’ll F you and F God, he was wrong.” You carry who you are in your mind, your heart and your soul. This is who you are. Beautiful and good and loved. By many I might add but most obviously by the incredible man who knows your worth more than any other. Good riddance 2012.

  2. Mary, I am so happy to know that you have someone as special as Ross in your life. I forget sometimes too that my husband and children are experiencing the nightmare of cancer. I asked a good friend, Fr. Sal Ruggeri, why God lets bad things happen. I mean if he is a good and loving God why doesn’t he stop these tragic life events. He told me that the evil in the world is the cause of tragedy and God is in the people that come to love and support you. I guess that makes Ross and my husband angels! Our family prays daily for a miracle for you, Mary. Here’s to kicking 2012 to the curb and a new and improved 2013. I can’t imagine your daily struggles, please know I think of you daily.
    Lisa Craine

  3. Glad you had a good Christmas day ….we also pray that 2013 will bring better days. Good riddance 2012 is right1 Happy birthday domani btw.

  4. Mary, Skip and I keep you in our thoughts and prayers every day…We, too, hope that 2013 will bring you much better days….Beverly

  5. Mav, here’s hoping 2013 brings only good things. Glad you can get some of this shit out in writing – somehow it’s got to help. Thinking of you – and happy birthday!

  6. Mary, you have been on my mind so much! Reading your post broke my heart! Your body may be broken, but the beautiful, vibrant, creative, witty, sassy lady that we all know and love is very definitely still there, and we pray and hope that 2013 will be the beginning of your journey back to the life you miss and love. You and Ross have come so far already…an amazing commitment of love, patience and determination. And, please know that you are far from forgotten back here in old Akron. You name is mentioned often, as everyone is hoping for encouraging news. We don’t know when, but we know for sure that you will be sitting out by that damn pool of yours enticing everyone to get wet! 🙂

    Happy New to You & Ross….hope it is as wonderful as your Christmas was.

    Love & Hugs,

  7. Happy Birthday Mary. I always think about you, especially on New Year’s Eve, knowing you’re celebrating a new year two fold. I won’t lie, I miss you and miss seeing you here. I send you wishes for a healing, healthful, love-filled New Year. I can’t wait for the day when I will pass by your office , poking my head in to see your radiant smile, and catching up on what the week has brought us.

  8. Wishing you a wonderful Birthday and hoping you’ll get stronger everyday in2013

  9. Here ‘s to a better 2013 for both your and Ross!! Thinking of you!! Mike and Kathy-Ann

  10. Happy Birthday Mary!!!!

  11. Love you Mary
    Carolynne & Fabian

  12. Happy Birthday and to a better year in 2013 with you walking.

    Love Judith

  13. We wish you and Ross a better 2013 !! You and Ross are both amazing!!

    Rosa & Vince

  14. Mary…you have such a gift in your writing….. I think of you often and pray for your recovery….I am so happy that your Christmas was made special, and I’m hoping that your 2013 will be a much better year. Happy Birthday!

  15. Mary,

    I also dislike the “God only gives you what you can handle” saying. I am so very sorry for your pain and I really miss you – I hope we can connect soon. Please know your in my thought. Try and hold on to that wonderful sense of humor that you have been given and your wonderful articulate writings! I think they will help you through this.

  16. Mary,
    Not a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of you and pray for a miracle no matter how small it is for you. I totally agree with “God only gives you what you can handle”. It doesn’t give you the ability to walk again or have you life back the way it used to be. I am so glad you finally blew it out as to how you really feel. Sometimes writing things down seems to help a little bit. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Life truly sucks at times. Ross is your angel here on earth as well as many other people in your life. Hoping that 2013 is a much better year for you. Happy Birthday Mary!

  17. Hi Mary, Thinking of you every day. 2013 will be better than the latter of 2012.

    Love you, Judith

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