I haven’t posted anything for a while and I wish that I could blame it on the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. I would be lying if I said that was the case. Honestly I’ve just been in a funk. Sorry in advance to all of those people who I have not called back. It’s not you. It’s me. I have to say however, that my Christmas Eve and Christmas day really were beautiful thanks to Ross. He brought me out of that funk. He spends an extraordinary amount of time making my life more comfortable and less burdensome while taking my mind off of this hellish nightmare. He’s always so positive with me and is the first to brighten up my dark days. I am too quick to forget that he’s going through this nightmare too. I don’t know how he does it. He’s amazing.
It’s hard not to reflect on what a shitty year this has been for the both of us. I’m waiting for a producer from the E network to suddenly walk in and say that this was just one big reality show and they are finished shooting. Oh, and by the way, you can walk now. One of the most difficult things that I have had to endure is to go from an extremely busy and rewarding life to one of physical struggle, monotony and boredom. This time of year is usually nonstop for me as it is for most. Putting together our annual Christmas Eve open house always occupied a lot of my time, so much that I would start the planning process at the end of October. We always had around 100 family and friends over to eat, drink and be merry. It was always such a wonderful night. I miss that time. I miss being busy. I miss the feeling of not having enough hours in the day to get things done. I desperately miss challenge in my life. Challenge in the gym. Challenge with creativity. Challenge in the kitchen. The list is endless. I want back those simple things in life, like jumping in shower, getting dressed standing up rather than by laying in bed and the choice to plop down on the couch after a long day. I loathe having to be taken care of. I am always at the mercy of someone to help with the simplest of things. When I am getting ready for my day, I disappear to another place in my head so as not to be aware of my own miserable existence, and the fact that someone is showering me and dressing me. I have lost my autonomy. On the days that I don’t have therapy, I die a slow death. Idle time for me is like Kryptonite. I quickly start to think about all of the things that I have lost due to my physical disability. I think about all of the things that I loved to do and that I want to do but am just not physically able to do anymore. Kickboxing, skiing, cooking…all gone. I want to be “me” again, not this f-ed up broken version that I have become. Everyone tells me how strong I am and if anyone can make it through this, I can. Please tell me…what really is strength because I’m struggling to find it. BTW, if I hear the line, “God only gives you what you can handle” one more time, I will scream. It’s easily the #1 most over utilized phrase when faced with a tragedy. I’m sorry, but that’s just BS. I also love “There’s always someone worse off than you”. Did you ever wonder who’s worse off than the worst? Poor bastard. Nevertheless, I hope and pray that 2013 will be a much improved year filled with happiness, breakthroughs and better health.
2012…don’t let the door hit you in the ass. Hasta la vista, biaaatch.